The anatomy of an ache.

The anatomy of an ache.

“Loyalty to petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul”

Enduring the enlargement of consciousness is hard, bloody work. The  jagged journey begins with confusion, shifts into doubt, drops rapidly into fear, moves on to unbearable loneliness, before arriving at solitude where the real dialogue with Self can begin.

Who among us has not felt insufficient to meet the demands of Life and wished for some deliverance? Who has not watched the familiar slip away and felt thrown back on ones own meager resources?
In an effort to stand courageously, vulnerably and responsibly before the Universe, I am being challenged to grow up. To take on the journey with greater consciousness.

The call to evolve is terrifying.

Individuation by definition is the advancement of the Cosmos through the fullest possible development of the individual. To regress, to seek safety by clinging to the familiar, to abstain from the journey towards ones fuller self, is no longer possible, for it feels like soul-crime. When a deep truth emerges no matter how terrifying, it must be honored.

It is always tempting when the chasm of change yawns beneath one’s feet, to return to one’s addictions to soothe the way. All addictions are anxiety management systems whether that anxiety is conscious or not. Whether one reaches for a cigarette, a drink, a white powder, food or another person, the connection momentarily heals the primal wound we all carry. Loneliness is briefly replaced by fusion with an other. To move through enlargement, to face fear and sadness from one’s core takes courage and resourcefulness and sometimes, I gladly falter, only to return once again to the working surface.

We are continuously obliged to choose between anxiety and depression. If we are caught in regressive behavior, thereby sabotaging our individuation, we will suffer depression. If we overthrow our psychic lethargy and move out into the world, we will experience an increase of anxiety. Hardly a pretty choice, but it is a choice we make consciously or not, virtually every moment.

So here from the precipice of my old self, I see the repetitions, the old familiar wounds, the antiquated defenses and still I choose to move forward, because all these repeated experiences have but one aim…to teach me what I do not want to learn.

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  1. comment-avatar
    Petit BijouOctober 24, 2013 - 2:44 pm

    How do you know if you’re moving forward or running away?

  2. comment-avatar
    DianeDecember 12, 2017 - 9:17 am

    So eloquently stated. This moved me.

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